Tag Archives: relationship
I read a few articles and different postings about attraction and how we can get it wrong in our relationships. So across the board it discusses being attracted to the persons natural scent. Pheromones. That if anything about their particular scent is off putting to you, they are not the person you’re suppose to be paired with. Do you love the smell of your lover straight out of the shower without perfume lotions or soaps? Do you wake up in the morning and kiss the person without brushing your teeth? Can you?
Furthermore do you like their smell after they come home from a long day of work? Would you make love to them without a shower if they hadn’t been sweating all day?
People believe in soul mates but do those same people believe in compatibility based on natural smell attraction?
I’m curious, have you ever broken off a relationship based on a persons’ natural smell? Have you ever found yourself insanely attracted to a persons’ natural smell but couldn’t understand why?
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Every single day that you wake up and you’re in love is beautiful. It’s also another day in the minefield of things that could explode. Often times we only consider the happiness and joy of love. We fail one another when we don’t consider how impossible it is to not let another person down. To not be terrified of being hurt. To not process our emotions, speak our deep hurts and heal our traumas. We fail one another by thinking that we are best suited to walk this journey alone and if someone wants to walk it with us they must get behind us because beside us isn’t available due to Damage being our right hand. That comfort zone that we all run to when things don’t go our way, get complicated or are more than expected.
Just because we dropped the ball doesn’t mean we can’t pick it back up.
Humans are flawed. Love is intricate. Love is also easy when people are willing to do the work. I sit in my new belief and firmly attest to it. People may love differently but all of us are capable of altering that way if we truly love another by opening our hearts and choosing to do so. We chose how successful we become by doing the work and making sacrifices, love works the same way. Life is about growing, making mistakes and learning from them.
Be open to learning new ways of love. There’s never just one way of doing things. We not only need other people but we need real, solid and true connections.
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Each day is another chance to make a mistake, break a heart, start a fight, be rude, mean or disrespectful, but each day is also a chance to fix all of the above. Do people choose to not fix it because of pride, hurt or exhaustion? In a perfect world none of these things would even occur, but our world is real. We hurt the people we love, we get tired of being hurt, we say things with the intent to be dismissive, we fail to see the damage that we cause. Sometimes the fear of loving a person causes us to lash out and push them away in a heinous way. In efforts to heal ourselves, we break others or break the bond that may have been built on the internal brokenness of one or both parties. In order to heal, they must release, review and heal together. Or do they? Were they better before one another or after? There is no perfect love. Love is both beautiful and complicated because we are human. Is there an internal emptiness that resides where that person use to. Is their absence deeper than physical draw? Are they replaceable or did they create a world completely owned by the two of you. A dream.
“What happens to a dream deferred, does it dry up like a raisin in the sun”.
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From children, some men were raised to be tough, strong, fearless, avoidant of crying or closeness, and under no means was vulnerability a trait that manhood requires.
These young boys were taught not cry when experiencing real physical or emotional pain. That their feelings and emotions don’t matter because only “girls display that type of stuff”! As they grow older their first love hurts them and they are told “toughen up, and find several more! Sadness isn’t normal! Love is for babies and little girls! Get them before they get you. Never tell them how you feel because they will use it against you. No one will ever love you anyway. Or lastly, mom is the only woman that truly loves me”. These young men have been exposed to and/or experienced physical, sexual and mental abuse that they’ve been too ashamed to speak on.
How can he learn true resolve if the human need to expel emotion is revoked?
This breeds men that are disconnected emotionally and mentally, are always “ok”, strong to a fault, emotionally and mentally exhausted, have a fear of intimacy and vulnerability, emotionally and mentally co-dependent on mom, incapable of committing, unknowingly depressed and breaking down from the inside out. This burden is a trend in their world.
The world hasn’t really been that considerate of the feelings of men, especially the feelings of Black men. In a country they fight for that also fears their very existence, they must humble themselves to avoid being any type of threat. They are prejudged and ridiculed solely based on appearance. We say we want men to lead and to command respect while placing the world on their shoulders and expecting them to have no feelings about the effects of such a burden.
It is time to allow men to not only express but for them to truly acknowledge and feel. How can he be at fault for understanding sex but not intimacy under these terms? If we as a society, continue to think it’s ok to call a man that speaks his truth “weak”, then we are also saying that it is ok for him to walk through life and damage as many people that are in his path. That my dear, includes his children as well. That cycle will continue to damage throughout the generations of young men and women until someone decides that it is time for change.
A man whom is healed, is a man who possesses unmatched strength!
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I was watching divorce court one day and each person was saying “I still love him/her, but I want out”! So my question is, what makes the marriage last? In my opinion, it is the friendship. No matter how much you love your mate, you must be their friend first. A marriage can not blissfully succeed without it. My reason is simple…. Your friends are easily forgiven. They may lie to you or even talk behind your back, but somehow you say it’s ok and are friends once again. If at some point your spouse disagrees with you or tells you a white lie, oh it’s over!!! Call the lawyers and divide this stuff up!
So often do people say, Why can he/she not talk to me, the way they are so open with their friends. Well, why not open the door. First, leave the judgement, criticism, and snarky comments at the door. Your spouse wants a friend, not a tyrant, judge or jury. It’s never to late unless the proceedings have begun, but even then you never know. Marriages and relationships are on a rapid decline, when the vows were said, they were said with forever on mind. Now if it is most definitely a done deal , so be it! Just consider how you would want to be forgiven or how you interact with your friends.
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Do opposites really attract??
I often hear people say opposites attract, but I wonder for how long. In the beginning people love what seems opposite to them, but after a couple of years things may greatly fizzle.
Example 1: you love how calm she is and the fact that she stays home to wait for you. On the other hand, you’re a social butterfly and the honeymoon phase is over. You want to do something, anything except stay home!! Now you’re second guessing if this is the right one for you because you compromised your wants. You understand compromise, but when does that become complete sacrifice.
Example 2: He is a ton of fun, but a little sarcastic. Not dumb, but could use a peep at current events. You’re the intellectual type, but he keeps you smiling. That was fun at first, but now you want to have stimulating conversation and that is a no go because of his lack there of.
Just an observation but do people become bored with what is consider the opposite?
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I have decided to focus on this blog more often. Love and life can be quite complicated and discussions should take place. I chose this format so that you may ask questions and respond anonymously. Please feel free to suggest topics, invite friends and join the conversations.
Many of us find ourselves in love. We do not always remember when it started but it felt good. Somehow in the years of togetherness you may feel like you lost yourself or lost something. You have been an individual for so long that you struggle to conform to your new life. You love your mate, but the push and pull can get tough. The smallest thing can quite possibly set you off. Or you just don’t quite know why they are so mad about such a small issue. Sound familiar? Whether you are married or not is irrelevant, because each relationship requires a certain amount of conformity. The roles then begin, who takes the kids to school, wakes up at 5 to feed the crying baby, who does the dishes, or cooks. In the mist of trying to make this thing work, you still try to keep a little of yourself for yourself.
Question: What is the best thing about love, relationships and marriage?
Question: Have your views changed since you’ve been married?
Question: How do you achieve keeping a little of yourself?
Question: What do you find most difficult with relationships whether you are single or involved?
Question: What is the most attractive thing in a man or woman?
Singles: What are the issues that come with being single?
If you find it hard to date, what could be done to improve it?
Would you be receptive to singles event that are tailored to your standards?
Being single comes with perks and negatives, Im sure. What are they?
** If you would like to comment but do not want to use your real name, feel free, we would love to hear from you. Your email address is required to comment, but no one can see it. It is for approval purposes.
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So you’re in a relationship for 6 months ( timeframe may vary) and decide to move in together. However, you still have a wandering eye or lustful thoughts for others. So now you want your space and think it is time to take a break even though you really care deeply for this person. You now start second guessing whether or not you should even be in a relationship. Sound familiar? Well, let me give you my thoughts on the subject….
People that are in successful and happy marriages for 25 years, have found themselves looking at other people (which we discussed in the previous post). Having lustful thoughts can be very bad depending on the actions that follow. I’m a realist so please understand when I say the actions, not the thoughts, are the bigger deal. When you love someone, you have to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned. All these ingredients aren’t a recipe for staying single unless you want it to be. Everything worth having is worth fighting for. It’s not often that you meet a person that loves you completely, not for what you can do for them, but because of who you are. Their complete acceptance of you. We are all flawed with baggage but real love isn’t that common, so if you find it, grab it! If you decide to go along with a break, see how you feel without the person. If you feel empty, then rethink that decision. If you feel free, then you made the right decision.
The best start to a relationship, is a friendship. People are more forgiving of their friends, than their lovers. Friendships make the relationship stronger and places it on a better foundation. Things go wrong in love, but cutting and running because of fear or claustrophobia are not good reasons to lose out on a good thing. No one is perfect and loving is a learning process and relationship are balancing acts. Make it happen!
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Sometimes, if only for a moment I wish I could be a kid again. Or at the very least, disappear for awhile to some quiet with no worries. As a kid, life was a bit easier, no decisions to make, no tears unless I was really bad or being spoiled, but most importantly my loved ones were near, dear, safe and sound. Well, mostly. I remember the first time my heart felt broken. I was 10 years old. My mom came into my room with a cup of chocolate pudding and sat down next to me. My Uncle had past. At 10, this man was much of my universe. His smile, his happiness, his laughter. Just one of the greatest humans to live. See, my grandfather died a few years prior but I didn’t know him well and hadn’t spent much time with him. I grew up in New Jersey near my uncle (his brother) but my grandfather lived in Baltimore. My uncle became my surrogate grandfather in a way. When he passed, it felt as if a part of me died as well.
Fast forward 25 years, my strongest rock, my grand foundation, and another piece of me is lying in wait of death and my heart is once again in shambles….
Waiting is the worse. Watching is sadness.
So yes, take me to a space of no worries. Even if only for a moment. I usually go silent when I deal with major life events, it’s helpful. I just chose to write this time. Find a way to express yourself and know that it’s ok to be sad at times, but don’t stay in that space too long. Release.
I won’t complain because much has been given in this life. So many blessings, exciting moments and laughter! Take a moment to smile at those thoughts. No one is untouchable, take time to appreciate them while they’re here…
Joy comes in the morning.
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BTWN LVRS: Changing The Narrative 