This stranger graced my presence decades ago. The energy of said stranger made my mind explode with possibilities, my heart with joy and my gut with hope. This stranger felt like unconditional, like safe, like authenticity… Thank you beautiful stranger, your existence enhanced mine for the future. When you were my present, the darkness superseded my light. The pain superseded the joy. The inability to sit in the moment, in the joy, in the gratitude…was a major turning point. I didn’t allow myself to sit in the joy because I didn’t think I deserved it. Didn’t think I was worthy of anything that wasn’t difficult. Had to feel like a struggle to be real. Had to be harsh, corrective and painful. That’s what love felt like until the veil began to lift. The veil began to lift in 2019 and the broken hearted version felt healing for the first time. I could’ve feel love past pain. My emotions are so completely raw and vulnerable in this moment so I chose to write completely from my heart. Maybe you all have met this stranger as well. The stranger is my past.…
Sometimes we aren’t searching for what our minds or bodies desires. At time we are searching for what our soul needs. We don’t always realize that until it’s occurred. There’s a depth to all of us, which gets diluted by insignificant matters of life and flesh. We confuse people’s words with real meaning because it’s what we’ve deemed necessary to keep them in our life. All the while their actions have shown us the truth of their words.
If you speak on something that hurts you but they continue to do it, it means one of two things. They don’t want to or they don’t know how. The key to discovering which it is will be shown purely by their effort or lack thereof. Not matter what they say, when people truly love you, effort not excuses will occur. Not perfection, so don’t look for it because that’s not reality.
In actuality, some of these people were never meant to stay forever. As we grow and learn who we are, the picture won’t always be pretty. Accept it but don’t be too harsh on yourself, these are growing pains. Pay attention to what you pay attention to. Everything and everyone aren’t worthy of that much of you. You are this amazing ball of love that shares yourself unconditionally but are growing weary.
Just hold steady, those who desire and need your love, compassion and depth are nearing and those who are life lessons will soon fade away. You will never be too much for those you are created for.
I just need to feel again. To really breathe and experience life in unique ways. I’ve never wanted to a person to leave others broken hearted, somehow I’ve been ok being the person that could be left broken hearted. I’ve made it ok for me to take emotional and mental hits and keep moving. This moment in my life, I have some control now. I can breathe a little. Life can and will deliver gut punches. People believe you can take them because you have been with little complaining. Sometimes you have to be quiet and focus on yourself. Healing takes time. That’s the best gift you can give yourself. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself and wish for growth for others. The road is long and the path isn’t clear but stay the course because you’re worth it.
I’m finally saying hello to 2020. The last decade brought me many things. Love, pain, success, knowledge, growth, happiness, peace and joy. But also, self-discovery, self-worth, self-love. I’ve grown mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually! As an emotional creature, I sometimes feel a bit deeper than maybe the average.
I’ve learned so much about love, loss and missteps.
I’ve learned about love addiction rooting from feelings of abandonment and rejection that are deep rooted from childhood.
Learned how that love addiction caused irrational feelings of desperation and unhealthy attachments.
Learned how much trauma not only shapes who you are but creates the inability to even see that a problem exists. We get conditioned to pain and we don’t even realize it. We confuse pain with love and the true form becomes unrecognizable.
Learned what it really looks like to own my shit, have patience with myself and grow from it.
Learned accountability and responsibility which helped with emotional regulation.
Learned that I didn’t fully express the dark parts of myself out of fear of judgment, shame or further abandonment.
Learned that those dark parts are part of my story and to allow them to be just that with only progress moving forward.
Lastly, I truly learned the importance of loving and being loved in a language that I understand and what it should feel like. To also accept others and understand their love languages how to meet them there.
For everyone that rocked with me this last decade, it was one hell of a ride and I wouldn’t change a thing about it!
Thank you to my final year in my 30th decade, for the lessons you’ve taught me. Time to knock out these goals and intentions for this week, month, year and decade!
You are deserving of great things and they will all come your way.
Day by day, each and every one of us has a struggle. There are no small struggles. It is not selfish to want to make yourself a priority, it is necessary. Self-care is key and understanding what you want can be just as important as what you need. We go through so many things we never share with another soul, that could cause us to suffer in silence and be alone in the midst of darkness that most wish to never encounter. All those thoughts, fears, pains, feelings… just let them pour onto the paper. I’ve included what I call, “Tarah-isms: Food for Thought” to hopefully provide some motivation, comfort, support, insight and solace…..
From the moment our feet hit the floor in the morning, people have ideas about what we should be doing with our life. Everything from what we should wear to who we should date/marry. How we should feel, grow and adapt to maltreatment and be grateful for it or ignore it until it happens again. There are rules for women that are set by other women, men, society as a whole. Our clothes dictate whether we should be taken seriously. Who we decide to date can create negative or positive views towards us, but not the men. We have to be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Be pure in virtue but have experience to please a man. Be ambitious but not aggressive or manly. Be smart but do not over shadow the man in the room. We are so use to others tearing us down that we tear one another down for the most irrelevant and unnecessary reasons. Being a woman comes with incredible hardships. Many of us are emotional creature and that is not easily understood by men. The fact is that women are created to love in a certain way. If that love is shunned, it changes her little by little. We are expected to take things with stride because we are told or expected to do so. Understand that I believe that healthy competition in the work place/ board room is necessary for the sake of business but constant criticism isn’t necessary.
The facts are simple, we women often bounce back from many situations. Why… because we are rock stars! We are nurturers, child bearers, wives, teachers, business women, CEO’s, authors, writers, publishers, artists, producers, musicians, actresses, directors, trainers, doctors, lawyers, psychologists… and we run the world! We do so much that it is time that we just recognize one another. Take the time out of your day to show appreciation to another woman. It is hard enough to live up to society’s unrealistic views, let’s just enjoy being women for the time being.
Ah yes… yours is so sexy, you feel it every time you climb into bed, daydream at your desk, stand in the shower, or have mundane conversations with people. That fantasy crosses your mind every silent moment you have. You know the one….
You close your eyes and it begins…. you’re suddenly in a room. A beautifully decorated room. The person comes over to greet you. Sweet kisses, hand holding, pressed against the door because the passion doesn’t allow you to move much further. That kiss is delicious, intoxicating. You wore a dress because… that’s sexy for this fantasy. Hands gently rub your thighs up your dress to remove your panties. You’re carried to the nearest wall mirror and passionately kissed on your lips, cheeks, and neck. He stands you up on the floor and turns you toward the wall length mirror. He pulls your dress up and over. Kisses the length of your spine, shoulders, neck. Your eyes are open as you watch him in the mirror. His hands explore every inch as he gently bends you over. You brace on the mirror as passionate love making ensues. Before your knees get weaker, he pulls out and carries you to the bed to lay you down. He kisses you down your body. Neck, collarbone, chest, breasts, stomach, hips, a sweet kiss on the yoni, thighs, toes. Back up the legs, thighs, as he gently parts your legs, he wraps his arms around your thighs and pulls your yogi closer to his lips. As he kisses, licks, kisses, licks…. your back arches, you bite your lip, reaching down to caress his head as you moan his name and tell him how you feel. He’s like an artist painting a picture with his tongue. Soft, slow, precise. He kisses your hips and thighs as he enters you deeply. You gasp! The thrusts are long, deep and it’s soaking wet…… Good morning dolls! Happy Friday!
Sometimes we travel this life in search of something. You may never truly know what it is until you stumble across it. The thought of it makes you smile. You close your eyes and there it is right before you. Happiness.
It comes in many forms. So often we voluntarily sacrifice ourselves for the happiness of others. Or we accept the ill conduct of others that we are scared to lose. Know that it is absolutely ok to have expectations of others. You can expect that they treat you with love, respect and concern for your well being if they are in your life as friends or lovers. That expectations means that you show ppl how to treat you. Be the type of person you want others to be to you. They may not, but you can certainly expect that ppl treat you a certain way or be willing to walk away. If it is not in accordance with what you desire to be Happy in this life, you can absolutely walk away. We must stop doing what others deem the “right” thing when it comes to our lives. Consider what makes you happy. There are no guarantees in this life and for all we know, there’s only one shot at it!
Let me first start by saying… I am not feeling this semester! Like, seriously! It’s a ton of work, but I’m capable of it. It’s normal to just be over it, right?
See, instead of finishing my homework… I’m blogging. Ugh! What do you all do to stay focused on a day when you’re not in the mood or just tired? Music, food, text, coffee… Have your eyes ever been so dry from reading that the eye drops burn? 😂 Yes, that’s where I’m at now!
Ok, enough whining! The reality is, in my case Graduate School is necessary for my next professional goal. Do what it necessary to succeed! I can do this, remember how I just told you to be your own cheerleader? Time to break out the pom-poms!
It was so nice talking and having you all there to listen! Time to hit the books, but first I’ll grab a snack and some tea!
BTWN LVRS: Changing The Narrative 